If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
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Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Well, this is awkward
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
it was a valiant fight