I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
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I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Thursday Thought.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]