[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
You Might Also Like
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
time machine? you mean a clock?
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
it was love at first sight
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.