Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
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Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine