*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
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I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER