*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
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#damn
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
March 16
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.