If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
You Might Also Like
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.