#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
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*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
How do dragons blow out candles?
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Every. Damn. Time.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”