Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
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*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.