I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
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Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.