Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
You Might Also Like
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.