ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
You Might Also Like
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.