I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
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Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Muppet Screams
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.