So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
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As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next