Cats are still liquid.
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Pronouncing “driest” like priest
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself