“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
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the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences