Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
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Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Big Sex has us all fooled
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.