At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
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“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Meow
asking santa clause for nudes
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.