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*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.