She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
one of
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together