Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
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Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize