sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
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When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
“you recording!?”
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down