Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
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Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
(more comics:
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.