Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
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If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably