Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
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Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Good morning y’all ☀️
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.