Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
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When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
next question.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.