Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
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Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”