A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
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my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
“what’s it like having a sister?”