Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
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3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.