Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
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*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I wanna be friends with this person
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.