*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
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People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy