interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
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Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Love is in the air fryer.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.