Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
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Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.