You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
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My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..