Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
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When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Stop being racist to kettles.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes