Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
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*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
When you’re Kinky but poor
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Bro what is this
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Ok but actually
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
twitter is a journey
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.