Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
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when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.