Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]