While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
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got so much cardio in today
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Don’t forget to tip your server
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…