“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
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Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”