A double negative is a big no-no.
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I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.