I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
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A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
(2022)
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.