In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
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My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?