SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
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Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
cat vs inanimate object
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Bill is short for Billiam
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Good dog. ❤️
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows