{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
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Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
why isn’t thunder called soundning
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire