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Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I have never related to a cat more
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.