Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
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If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
If you know, you know
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
I only eat vegetarians.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.