Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
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[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope