Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
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sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Ironic
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White