They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
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me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”